Brett Gardner: Still An Ass

Yes, for any of you that were wondering, Brett Gardner is most definitely still an ass… and he can go ahead and get ready to park his ass right over on the bench for the 2010 season! A little over eight months ago I wrote a post about Brett Gardner being an ass. It was a great post and I still love reading it (and all the comments) to this day. The post was quite popular as well, bringing nearly one thousand views to our site and 21 comments, granted most of those were people defending him and telling me just how much of an ignorant idiot I was for making “false statements” that made them “soooo mad.”

Some apparently even knew Brett and tried to correct me by saying that he is “respectable, kind and loving.” One commenter called the post “the most terribly opinionated thing (he/she had) ever read” and went on to say “the kid is a rookie… of course you don’t know his name, but he has proven himself on many occasions and beat out Melky Cabrera for starting CF.” Well, I have news for you, buddy. I knew Matt Wieters name and he was a rookie too! And who is Melky Cabrera? I might be impressed if he’d actually beat out somebody I’d heard of before, maybe like Matt Wieters, maybe. That same commenter even had the audacity to imply that I was the ass, not Gardner. Another commenter took it one step further and told me “whoever wrote this, you are rude and mean and sloppy and frizzy and i don’t like you at all!”

That's right. I'm using the same non-Brett Gardner picture.

Well, I went and thought long and hard about all of the constructive criticism that was supplied by these faithful readers “and needless to say, I was humiliated, I was angry, but I’m not the kind of guy who gets pushed around. So I went into my cave and I plotted my revenge. And I’ll tell you -and (Bryan) knows this- you take something I love from me, you can damn well bet I’m gonna take something you love from you too” and you better believe that I love hating Brett Gardner! So just like Jimmy Kimmel (though maybe not in as grand of fashion,) I plotted my revenge and figured out what I could take from all these Brett Gardner fans that they love. And in a brilliant stroke of genius, it hit me like a ton of bricks, the solution was so simple, so poetic. I would take away Brett Gardner. I would get him benched.


So just like Steve Young, I made some calls. The first call I made was to Joe Girardi and asked him straight up if he would just cut (or at least bench) Gardner. No dice. He said that he’d think about it but that there would be no guarantees because if Gardner beat out that Cabrera guy in training camp then he’d get to start. I told him that I appreciated the fact he was at least willing to consider it, and then countered asking if he would guarantee me a benching if I got him a better player to replace Gardner with that was better. And Joey looked me straight in the eye (on the phone) and said “No doubt, dogg. That’s fo-sho, fo-sho.” So I took the man for his word and began the hunt.


My next phone call was to Ken Kendrick, I’m closer to him than I am to Paul Schloss and Jason Ellis plus Ken Kendrick is a much cooler name. I asked Ken²drick if he had a center fielder better than Brett Gardner he’d be willing to give up and he said “son, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times that anyone can find a center fielder better than Gardner. All you gotta do is go down to your local girl scout troop and…” I cut him off there saying that I already knew this but needed a center fielder Girardi would be okay with. He said that he wouldn’t give up Chris Young. I asked if he’d consider parting ways with Parra or Byrnes. “Not a chance.”

Dang, my options were quickly running out.


“This is Mike Ilitch.” That’s right, I called up Mikey. I said “Mike, you gotta help me. Are you willing to give up Curtis Granderson” and he simply replied “for what?” This was a good question. Thinking quick I said “I dunno, but I could probably wrestle you up a few young pitchers and Austin Jackson to boot.” He said it sounded like a good deal. Next thing I knew I had Joey, Ken²drick and Mikey all on a conference call together and… Voilà! This trade was done. That’s right, it was me that got that to all happen.

Alright. Fine. You caught me. None of that was true except the first -and maybe part of the second- paragraph. The truth is that I saw this post by Bryan and immediately ran off to to see if it meant that Gardner was getting benched. Sure enough, that’s exactly what it meant. I didn’t know how I could let something so awesome pass without posting about it, plus I thought it was a perfect opportunity for my first ever off-season baseball post, but I didn’t have much of anything to say so I just made up a bunch of stuff. But at the end of the day it all comes down to one thing: Brett Gardner is still and ass, and better yet he’s an ass that got benched!

You suck!



13 Responses

  1. Well, the response we get from this should be good.

    You are kind of sloppy and frizzy. That part was true.

    • I know I’m eager to see what the Brett Garder faithful have in store for me this time around.

    • Brett Gardner is a great young player with a lot if tallent, he puts a lot of effort into each game, he is also very under rated.

      Why pick on him when there are big jerk that get way to much credit for what they do, for example: David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia and Justin Verlander.

      I think this is a terrible blog and when you become perfect then you can start making fun of people. Brett Gardner is in the MLB which means he tried his hardest to make it there, he didnt have a dad who got him into the MLB like Ripken so why would a writer like you make fun of a player who works hard every day?

    • Frank-
      Weller is out of town so I’ll respond to your comment this time around. Keep in mind that I don’t really care one way or the other about Brett Gardner.

      I’d like to hear what makes you call David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia and especially Justin Verlander all big jerks. I’d imagine the first two are just because you don’t like the Red Sox and that’s fine. But isn’t this post (clearly written with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, by the way) written with the same arbitrary dislike? So you’re a Yankee fan. You don’t like Red Sox. We get it.

      If you think it’s a terrible blog, go ahead and don’t come back. We’ve had almost a quarter million other people come read it without you.

      As far as the Cal Ripken comment…well, I have a hard time expressing just how ludicrous that comes across. I have no doubts that Brett Gardner tried his hardest to get to the big leagues, but to suggest that Cal Ripken Jr. didn’t have to is wrong. Teams don’t draft players in the 2nd round of the draft because his dad used to play and happens to manage in the minors. You suggest at the end of your comment that he didn’t work hard or have to work hard every single day. You seriously singled out the player who played 2,632 straight games, hit over 400 home runs, and had over 3,100 hits. Yeah, he worked hard. I’d be willing to bet he worked a lot harder than Brett Gardner who probably won’t play half as many games in the bigs. More power to him if he does, I guess.

  2. […] We started this experiment last year and I intend to go for round two this year. They have orange uniforms and fit into basically all of the other qualifications I had when picking a team to be a fan of. Plus when I was a little kid I loved Cal Ripken, I think I might even still have a Cal Ripken t-shirt jersey from when I was about eight years old. My favorite player now, however, is Nick Markakis. He’s probably cooler than you, and he’s definitely cooler than Brett Gardner. […]

  3. […] still hates Brett Gardner.  I think it’s hilarious.  Unfortunately, the Brett Gardner Fan Club didn’t come to […]

  4. […] after getting angry from reading this, make sure you read my more recent post about Brett Gardner as […]

  5. lol. Great job. About 5 months later, and something you thought would be funny has generated 5 comments (not including me) and 4 of them are you!

    I think it’s cause people actually focus on facts instead of some nobody’s opinions on a blog that nobody could give a shit about.

    Great job getting Brett benched! Starting left fielder for the New York Yankees, batting .341, with 9 stolen bases (leading the AL). How are the Orioles doing again? Oh yeah, 2 and 16.

    Don’t bother responding, cause I’m not coming back to this insignificant blog. It’ll be like you’re talking to nobody. Just like this article!

  6. .295 average, .370 on-base percentage, 30 stolen bases and 67 runs, most 2 strike hits in the majors, a uzr rating of 6.9 runs saved one the best for major league left fielders, if I didn’t know any better I’d think he’s been more productive than any orioles outfielder this year. Oh wait I do and he is. Hate the guy because he’s a good player, not because of some uninformed notion that he’s an “asshole”. If we’re going to make unwarranted character judgements, Gardner seems more like a gritty, hustle player to me.

    • I love comments like this because it’s a good way to be reminded that I’m apparently of higher intelligence than the average person out there. I base this on the simple fact that I can read and pick up on the subtle context clues that indicate that there is sarcasm in this post, which illustrates that it’s a joke. So thank you, Jake. Your comment is much appreciated.

  7. This proves the Steinbrenner sons are more clueless than brett gardner is wreckless on the base path. Gardner in plain English is a Bum. He can’t hit, bunt, can’t read a pitcher to steal a base, no power, takes a million pitches, begs for a walk, IQ of a splintered bat, wreckless when on base, a total clown. The Yanks will unfortunately not win anything with him on the team. The best contribution he can make is to go on the DL forever!!

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