Yes, for any of you that were wondering, Brett Gardner is most definitely still an ass… and he can go ahead and get ready to park his ass right over on the bench for the 2010 season! A little over eight months ago I wrote a post about Brett Gardner being an ass. It was a great post and I still love reading it (and all the comments) to this day. The post was quite popular as well, bringing nearly one thousand views to our site and 21 comments, granted most of those were people defending him and telling me just how much of an ignorant idiot I was for making “false statements” that made them “soooo mad.”
Some apparently even knew Brett and tried to correct me by saying that he is “respectable, kind and loving.” One commenter called the post “the most terribly opinionated thing (he/she had) ever read” and went on to say “the kid is a rookie… of course you don’t know his name, but he has proven himself on many occasions and beat out Melky Cabrera for starting CF.” Well, I have news for you, buddy. I knew Matt Wieters name and he was a rookie too! And who is Melky Cabrera? I might be impressed if he’d actually beat out somebody I’d heard of before, maybe like Matt Wieters, maybe. That same commenter even had the audacity to imply that I was the ass, not Gardner. Another commenter took it one step further and told me “whoever wrote this, you are rude and mean and sloppy and frizzy and i don’t like you at all!”
Well, I went and thought long and hard about all of the constructive criticism that was supplied by these faithful readers “and needless to say, I was humiliated, I was angry, but I’m not the kind of guy who gets pushed around. So I went into my cave and I plotted my revenge. And I’ll tell you -and (Bryan) knows this- you take something I love from me, you can damn well bet I’m gonna take something you love from you too” and you better believe that I love hating Brett Gardner! So just like Jimmy Kimmel (though maybe not in as grand of fashion,) I plotted my revenge and figured out what I could take from all these Brett Gardner fans that they love. And in a brilliant stroke of genius, it hit me like a ton of bricks, the solution was so simple, so poetic. I would take away Brett Gardner. I would get him benched.
So just like Steve Young, I made some calls. The first call I made was to Joe Girardi and asked him straight up if he would just cut (or at least bench) Gardner. No dice. He said that he’d think about it but that there would be no guarantees because if Gardner beat out that Cabrera guy in training camp then he’d get to start. I told him that I appreciated the fact he was at least willing to consider it, and then countered asking if he would guarantee me a benching if I got him a better player to replace Gardner with that was better. And Joey looked me straight in the eye (on the phone) and said “No doubt, dogg. That’s fo-sho, fo-sho.” So I took the man for his word and began the hunt.
My next phone call was to Ken Kendrick, I’m closer to him than I am to Paul Schloss and Jason Ellis plus Ken Kendrick is a much cooler name. I asked Ken²drick if he had a center fielder better than Brett Gardner he’d be willing to give up and he said “son, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times that anyone can find a center fielder better than Gardner. All you gotta do is go down to your local girl scout troop and…” I cut him off there saying that I already knew this but needed a center fielder Girardi would be okay with. He said that he wouldn’t give up Chris Young. I asked if he’d consider parting ways with Parra or Byrnes. “Not a chance.”
Dang, my options were quickly running out.
“This is Mike Ilitch.” That’s right, I called up Mikey. I said “Mike, you gotta help me. Are you willing to give up Curtis Granderson” and he simply replied “for what?” This was a good question. Thinking quick I said “I dunno, but I could probably wrestle you up a few young pitchers and Austin Jackson to boot.” He said it sounded like a good deal. Next thing I knew I had Joey, Ken²drick and Mikey all on a conference call together and… Voilà! This trade was done. That’s right, it was me that got that to all happen.
Alright. Fine. You caught me. None of that was true except the first -and maybe part of the second- paragraph. The truth is that I saw this post by Bryan and immediately ran off to ESPN.com to see if it meant that Gardner was getting benched. Sure enough, that’s exactly what it meant. I didn’t know how I could let something so awesome pass without posting about it, plus I thought it was a perfect opportunity for my first ever off-season baseball post, but I didn’t have much of anything to say so I just made up a bunch of stuff. But at the end of the day it all comes down to one thing: Brett Gardner is still and ass, and better yet he’s an ass that got benched!