Brett Gardner: Now An Ass

Who is Brett Gardner? It doesn’t matter. All you need to know right now is that the picture below is of him (ok, no it’s not, but I sure wish it was) and that he’s my least favorite baseball player in the world. We’ll get to that later though.

In case you aren’t a frequent reader of WaB, the title of this post is a play on Bryan’s most recent post. Unlike that post however, the title of this one is a little deceiving. This is actually Part 3 in my “Weller’s becoming a baseball fan” series. The first one being about how I picked my team, and the second being about my first fantasy baseball draft. This one is about my Orioles laying the smack down on the Yankees in their first game of the season,  and what I learned from watching the game. I’ll start by explaining the title.

One of the first things I learned while watching the game was that I don’t like Brett Gardner. He’s the Yankees center fielder and I don’t like him. At all. Early in the game (I believe it was the bottom of the first) Nick Markakis, the Orioles right fielder, hit a fly ball to center field, which was caught by Brett Gardner. That was bad enough, but then the camera zoomed in on him after he caught it and he just struck me a some cocky, hot-shot kid who was way to full of himself. I know nothing about him, but I’m judging this book by it’s cover. He looked like a conceded prick to me so I’m sticking to it. I believe at this point I sent a text message to Bryan saying what I thought of Brett Gardner, though that text message may have contained a more offensive choice of words.

In the bottom of the second inning Luke Scott, our left fielder, also had his hit get caught by Brett Gardner. Seeing him again only increased my confidence in my initial opinion of this guy. I went with my gut feeling, and I trust my gut, this just reassured me. Then in the top of the third Brett Gardner got a single and ended up scoring. I didn’t want him to get a hit or score because I’m cheering for the Orioles, so I decided these were a few more good reason to not like him.

Brian Roberts

Brian Roberts

In the top of the fifth inning Gregg Zaun, our catcher, threw out Brett Gardner at first when he tried to bunt. I laughed at him because he sucks. Then in the bottom of the fifth Brian Roberts hit a ground rule double to deep center because Gardner didn’t catch it so I laughed at him some more. Gardner got his revenge though. Later that inning, Gregg Zaun flied out to center and Gardner threw out our third baseman, Melvin Mora, at home plate. This is when I realized that I didn’t just dislike Gardner. He was quickly becoming my least favorite player.

In the top of the sixth Gardner flied out to left field where we started Luke Scott instead of Felix Pie, but we’ll talk about that later. What’s important right now is that I got to laugh at Brett Gardner some more. That’s all Gardner really did for the rest of the game. He got thrown out by the catcher, Gregg Zaun, again in the eighth inning and allowed Zaun to get a double in the bottom of the eighth.

At one point during the game I sent two text messages to Bryan, the first saying “I think Brett Gardner is quickly becoming my least favorite player.” That was followed up by the second one which said “I really don’t like that guy… Is he even worth disliking? Like do people know his name?” Bryan simple responded “Nope. Haha.” To that I said “Well he sucks.” I think I also called Gardner an alternate word for a female dog but that’s beside the point. The real point is that he’s a Yankee, I got a bad vibe from him, didn’t like the way he looked and he caught some fly balls, threw a guy out at home, got a hit and scored a run. What else could I possibly look for in a guy to hate? He was productive for a rival team against us and looked like a punk. I guess he could have gone to florida, but then I would have already hated him and this wouldn’t be a new development.

So congratulations, Brett Gardner, you’re only 25 years old and are only in your second year of being in Major League Baseball and you already have somebody blogging about how much they hate you. That’s what you get for playing for being a skanky Yankee.

I’m also currently crushing my opponent in my fantasy baseball league.

Here are the top ten non-Brett Gardner related things I learned from the game today:

  • Brian Roberts is an absolute stud. I already knew he was my favorite player (which I’ll write a post about at some point) but this game he had five plate appearances, getting three hits including a double, scored two runs, got walked once and had an .800 OBP, and a 1.000 slugging percentage, giving him an OPS of 1.800 which is studly.
  • CC Sabathia was a huge disappointment. I’d heard his name a lot before so I knew he was supposed to be good, but he didn’t strike a single person out. I guess that’s what happens when you mess with my Orioles!
  • Brian Roberts ran home on the grounder to third so that if the ball went anywhere else the guy on second would have been able to score. Bryan had to explain this to me.
  • If the ball hits the fielders glove and he doesn’t catch it, that doesn’t mean it’s an error. That’s dumb. Catch the ball.
  • Apparently over the shoulder basket catches aren’t easy. Bryan had to tell me this when I got mad at one of the players for not making a catch… I still think Reggie Wayne would’ve caught that ball. Wrong sport? Sue me.
  • There is no good reason for the lack of a salary cap in baseball.
  • Our shortstop makes me nervous and I really have no reason for it.
  • I want Felix Pie to start instead of Luke Scott and I want Matt Wieters to start instead of Gregg Zaun. Again, I have no reason for this other than the fact that Pie and Wieters are much younger than Scott and Zaun.
  • My Orioles are better than Bryan thinks they are.
  • I hate Mark Teixeira. You grew up in the Baltimore area and had the opportunity to come home and play for them and you went to their division rival instead? You suck. Karma was on our side. On opening day you went 0 for 4 against your hometown team. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I hate you, but not quite as much as I hate Brett Gardner.

I guess I lied at the beginning of this post when I said that the title was deceiving because this post was almost entirely about my new discovered hatred for Brett Gardner.

We beat the Yankees!

We beat the Yankees!

Now after getting angry from reading this, make sure you read my more recent post about Brett Gardner as well.

42 Responses

  1. Ah give Gardener a chance! He’s a rook and had to beat out a crap load of guys to get to that spot. He’s a speedy kid and hopefully (as a Yanks fan) I see posts like this all year long!

  2. Hahahaha. I bet you do hope you see more posts like this, lol. I didn’t have a whole lot to write about so instead of taking that list of ten things I learned and writing a boring post about those I took this one thing and tried to make it comical and entertaining to read… hopefully it worked. Haha.

  3. I would first like to point out to you that number one- that picture is definetly not of Brett Gardner, number two- Brett Gardner did go to the college at the College of Charleston, so you shouldn’t be giving out false information, and most importantly number three- Brett Gardner is definetly not an ass. He has done so many things great for the Yankees that I bet you are just jealous that “your Orioles” don’t have him. I also want to say that you have so many false statements in this arcticle that it kinda makes me want to puke! STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT!! Brett is AMAZING, which you will find out if you actually paid attention to something more than trying to write arcticles about people you THINK are an ass.

    • This is by far the funniest comment I’ve seen on this site. Bar none. Brilliant.

    • Also, Brett Gardner is married with a child, so you should probably move on to another baseball player.

    • Yeah, i know, his wife’s jessica and his son’s hunter, but im still a really big fan.

      and, my comment may be the funniest one you’ve ever seen, but whatever- this thing got me soooo mad

    • I just find it really funny that you were unable to recognize the sarcastic/joking tone of this entire article… We love getting other people’s opinions on things though so I appreciate the comments… Out of curiosity, what makes you such a big Brett Gardner fan?

      Also, if you would like to read another post that illustrates how little I know about baseball, I’d recommend checking out this link:

  4. ok, ok, sometimes, i can be very blonde. and, i get really defensive when it comes to brett gardner. im sorry if i sounded like a complete jerk/moron.

    however, there are a lot of people out there that really are brett-haters. and, i am a big fan, so i don’t like those brett-haters the least bit.

    i am such a big fan for three major reasons. 1- i love to watch a player grow and improve from their beginning, and i think that he’s eventually going to be very great. so, i love to cheer him on. 2- i love his amazing speed in center and on the bases. and, 3- i like all of the yankees, and since he is one, i am a fan.

  5. Though I’m a yankees fan, I still think Teixeira should play for Orioles. After all, he’s from Baltimore!!! And I can hardly imagine him not choosing to play for the Orioles. It’s unbelievable and ridiculous! Every player should be craving for playing for the team he used to cheered for when he was young! I’m not from Baltimore, but if I were, I would no doubt HATE him .

  6. […] click here. For the posts about my fantasy baseball team and least favorite player, click here and here […]

  7. […] June 14, 2009 by classic17 Here at WaB we like to call out jackasses.  Even if there isn’t much of a reason.  Either way, this guy trumps all of those people put together.  In fact, its people like this […]

  8. Hello,
    New here. Thanks

    Mary Aloe
    Proud Mary Entertainment

  9. I am a very huge yankee hater !!!! But….love Brett Gardner! My husband, son and I had the privelage of knowing Brett back in 2002 when he played in a local baseball organization. He visited our house many times and was nothing more than respectable, kind and loving. My son was only 7 then and he was so sweet to him. My son, Colton, now 14,gets so excited to see Brett play for the big leagues! So I say you are so wrong on your impression of him! We are so proud of him!

  10. That has to be the most terribly opinionated thing I’ve ever read. You have no proof whatsoever of anything that you stated in that entire article. You basically could have saved yourself some time and posted “I hate the Yankees, and since this guy plays for them, he is automatically a terrible person.”

    There are so many things wrong with this, I have no idea where to start. Well, we could start in saying that the picture you supplied is most definitely not Brett Gardner. Then there is the fact that he is married, is a father, and is probably one of the fastest players in the MLB. The kid is a rookie… of course you don’t know his name, but he has proven himself on many occasions and beat out Melky Cabrera for starting CF.

    So next time, before you decide to post your opinions about somebody on the internet, first, find out what he looks like, find out where he came from, find out who he is, and find out what he’s done. Assuming that somebody is a dick because they caught a fly ball in center field shows that you may be exactly what you are describing him to be.

    • I have a math equation for you:

      He plays for the Yankees + He caught a fly ball against my favorite team = he’s an ass.

      Thanks for playing… and maybe next time read the other comments before you post your own.

  11. shame on all of you haters! that picture is not brett and don’t be mad just because he did well! he was probably just excited that he did well since he is new to major leagues, so that’s why he smiled a lot-not to be cocky! whoever wrote this, you are rude and mean and sloppy and frizzy and i don’t like you at all!

    love you brett and all brett fans and good luck to our boy in the world series this yr and later on!

  12. I must say, this post has gotten the best reactions from commenters. Please keep them coming.

    Only half of this site harbors ill will toward Brett Gardner. I just don’t like any Yankee in general.

  13. The pic at the top of the page is not Brett Gardner, and he’s a little cocky because he’s 26 and has a world series ring.

  14. i saw this brett gardner dick the other day in the world series. he was a benchwarmer who was only playing because cabrera was injured. man- i had the same impression you did- total hick loser. no manners, no sense of decency; not even a good player but has a big attitude cause he’s with the yankees and he’ll get a ring even though he sat on his ass most of the season. the guy is just one worthless douchebag; i would kick him in the nuts if i saw him.

    • Gardener was injured for a very long time this season, I don’t know if I’d call it a “majority of the season”, but that is why he lost his starting position. Hence the bench warming.

      I’m surprised that no one mentioned the fact that he does hospital visits on the regular to sick and dying children. When one little girl asked for him to hit a home run, he did it in dramatic fashion. Since he doesn’t have any power…it was an inside the park home run.

      Is he still a total hick, cocky loser? Or a worthless douche bag that deserves a nut kicking? C’mon Callywog. Pick a better guy to hate. There’s Milton Bradley, Manny Ramirez…or if you want to hate a Yankee, I’d say A-Rod is a pretty solid target.

      (5th paragraph down)

    • And i would kick you in the nuts if i saw you. Get a life asshole. You don’t know the guy, you’ve never talked to him, he doesn’t even know you exist. Yeah, he could be the biggest douchebag ever, but he could also be the nicest guy in the world for all we know. So shut up and get a life.

    • I would kick you in the nuts first.

      I do have a life, it involves calling Brett Gardner an ass and pissing off people like you.

      “You don’t know the guy, you’ve never talked to him, he doesn’t even know you exist. ” Funny how that can go both ways in this discussion.

      He’s an ass. Get over it. It’s science.

      You told me to get a life twice in the same comment… maybe your life should include getting more original with your constructive criticism.

  15. […] ready to park his ass right over on the bench for the 2010 season! A little over eight months ago I wrote a post about Brett Gardner being an ass. It was a great post and I still love reading it (and all the […]

  16. […] I was about eight years old. My favorite player now, however, is Nick Markakis. He’s probably cooler than you, and he’s definitely cooler than Brett […]

  17. Loser..learn the write like you THINK Gardner acts, except without talent. Your both fast, he’s stealing bases and your stealing web time…

  18. Fair enough, I’ll learn to mechanically please you with grammar, you learn to write period, sound like a deal? Let me guess, a frustrated English major who excelled in the nuts and bolts of writing, but failed to get to the next level of being entertaining, poignant and knowledgeable?. Perhaps teaching a fourth grade class instead of writing is more your speed?

    • I love this so much.

    • Hahahahahaha, this is hilarious. I’m FAR from an English major. I was a mathematics major actually, but while we’re teaching fourth grade grammar, you should know that there is no reason that a period (that’s the little dot at the end of sentences) should follow immediately after a question mark.

  19. I think everyone who commented on this post now needs to go read this post.

  20. Check out this guy, hes an insane illustrator:

    • I’m going to approve this comment because you’re a good artist and your comment is more intelligent than the Brett Gardner Fan Club here.

      You can go ahead and refer to yourself in first person, if you want.

    • Bryan’s response to this made me laugh pretty hard.

  21. Brett Garnder is a great young player, he may seem like an ass because he is excited to play for such a great team. Oh and answer this, how are your Orioles, doing, oh right, terrible. if you are gonna pick on a baseball player, pick on one of those overpaid, halfass, over rated players, like Manny, Big Pappi, Evan Longoria, or if you want to pick on a Yankee, A-Rod. Why even pick on a pro ball player. They tried hard to get where they are today, what did you do, sit on your butt an d type? I don’t mind that you hate the Yanks, cause we all hate a taem, but to hate a player you dont even know, just because he is on that team, man, you have problems.

  22. This is hilarious. You hate the guy just because he’s good pretty much, and yeah he is good. He’s better than any player on the Orioles who, by the way, are now last in their division…by a lot. Just because someone plays for a great team doesn’t mean they’re an ass. Your an ass for thinking that way. You couldn’t do half the stuff these guys can do so please keep your stupid opinions to yourself. Also, check your facts. The Orioles are not the Yankees division rivals, they aren’t good enough for that. That would be the Red Sox, which is common sense to any baseball fan. Secondly, if you were Mark Teixeira and you could play for a much better team and get payed a lot more, you would too. Mark was never even an Orioles fan. So please shut up and get your facts straight. Thanks.

    • You’re hilarious.

      I don’t hate him because he’s good, I hate him because he’s an ass (see: title of this post)

      Better than ANY player on the Orioles? He’s not even better than all of the Orioles outfielders… have you heard of Adam Jones or Nick Markakis? He’s not even kinda almost as good as them.

      You couldn’t do half the stuff professional athletes do either, “so keep your stupid opinions to yourself” – do you see the irony in what you said there? Gosh, I sure hope so.

      Check my facts? The term “division rival” simply means they are in the same division, not that they’re are their biggest rival within the division… “which is common sense to any baseball fan”… actually that’s just common sense.

      If I were Mark Teixeira I’d have done exactly what Mark Teixeira did, because I’d be Mark Teixeira… However if it were me that was in Mark Teixera’s position, I would have gone to the team that was sponsored by Chipotle and would offer me free Chipotle burritos for life. Duh.

      Also, in this article ( it specifically says that he grew up as an Orioles fan… the exact quote? “He grew up an Orioles fan”

      So please come back and read how I got my facts straight. Thanks.

  23. I went to school with this jerk. You’re totally spot on with your assessment of him. Can’t wait to see himm fall into a scandal.

  24. You have hit the nail right on the head. Brett Gardner is the biggest bum in the majors. I don’t know why Girardi puts this clueless clown in the line up every game. I’ve watched the Yankees since 1964. I’d rather see Oscar Gamble bounce a home run off his head into the stands than watch “afraid of the wall” Gardner clumsily prance around the outfield. Gardner can’t bunt, can’t hit for power, can’t read a pitcher to steal a base, runs to third on a grounder to short and always gets thrown out at third, looks at more third strikes than a blind man and is a pathetic slap hitter. His nickname in my household is “Slappy”.

  25. You blow boat people.

  26. he looks and acts like a jerk. contrary to most of the yankees of 2014. i am no yankee lover but have noted their team since the mid 50s. this guy takes the cake as having the least amount of appeal to wise baseball followers who appreciate quality humans on the field.

    like lebron, that brett goes to hospitals to visit seriously ill children does not make him any less a psychopath. most psychopaths do what they can to compensate in the public eye for their character defects.

    i will be glad when gardner’s career is over. his personality and image are definitely in line with 21st C scams and deceptions. being the fastest baseball player does not make him a quality individual. that he is married with kids is not uncommon but it does not make up for what appears to be a small time punk in the yankee lineup.

    if he wins a batting title (which he won’t) i would be glad for him. but if he were to become a less unrefined human i would be even more satisfied for his personal development. what happened to his hair?? any tattoos?? he looks capable of being a very unworthy person.

    i don’t like having to say these things and would be impressed if he proved me wrong. i even changed my opinion of derek jeter after he stopped, for the most part, delaying the games with his hand up as though the umpires could not tell when he was ready to hit.

    there is hope brett. but you have a lot of work to do. i will be watching for your progress or lack of it.

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